There’s No Such Thing as Over-Communication

Why Saying More is Almost Always Better

(Originally published in "Know Thyself, Heal Thyself" on Medium)

The other day, I left a voicemail for my dear friend, Tina, that went something like this: “Is everything okay with us? I have this suspicion that something is off, and I’m curious what’s going on.”

The story I was telling myself was that she was annoyed at me. We had been trying to meet up for what seemed like weeks, but it wasn’t happening due to both our busy lives. I had convinced myself that she simply wanted a break from me (which, by the way, could have been true!). Still, I did the vulnerable thing and reached out by phone — not by text, which can always be fraught with misinterpretation — convinced I was right and had somehow upset her — leading to a rupture in our friendship.

Awkward? Maybe — OK, yes. But long ago I committed myself to communication over avoidance — especially in relationships that are most important to me.

A few (excruciating) hours later, my friend called back and said, “What are you talking about? You’re crazy. There’s nothing wrong.”

She’d been traveling nonstop; starting a new business; balancing roles as a wife, mom and caregiver to teenage children, elderly parents, and extended family; all while fiercely dedicating herself to competitive tennis. I was so relieved and a little embarrassed. But, if I hadn’t spoken up and left that awkward voicemail, I’d likely still believe our friendship was on the rocks.

This experience brings me to my point: If I’ve learned anything through my decades on this earth — through my relationships and careers in Communications and Coaching — it’s this:

There is no such thing as over-communicating.

In fact, under-communication is often the culprit behind misunderstandings, tension, and assumptions that spiral into bad feelings. Communication is the bedrock of trust and understanding, yet too often, we’re tempted to hold back, assume, or “read between the lines,” leaving gaps that lead to misunderstandings.

How We Build Stories in Silence

Without open, honest exchanges, we’re left to fill in the blanks ourselves, often with the help of an ever-present Inner Critic, which, despite its many flaws, has a knack for convincing us of our inferiority. When someone seems to “go quiet” on you, doesn’t reply quickly, or doesn’t communicate clearly, our Inner Critic frequently takes the wheel, creating narratives steeped in our own insecurity. We might think, They’re upset with me, or, I must have done something wrong. Before we know it, we’ve crafted an entire story based on minimal evidence — like what I did with my friend Tina.

Taking the Vulnerability Leap

This recent experience brings to mind a book I just read— Tell Me Everything, the most recent novel by one of my favorite authors, Elizabeth Strout. In it, Strout’s perennial characters, novelist Lucy Barton and elderly battle-axe cum guileless truth-teller Olive Kitteridge, meet for the first time and form an unlikely friendship and deep connection by openly sharing “unrecorded life stories.” Their friendship begins when Lucy is summoned to Olive’s nursing home so that Olive can share a story that she hopes Lucy will one day write about. Their relationship grows as they share stories of loneliness, love, and life’s small but precious connections. When Lucy vulnerably tells Olive that she loves her and feels connected to her, the stolid, no-nonsense Olive replies,

“Well, phooey. I feel connected to you too. So there.”

This beautiful moment inspires Olive to be vulnerable herself by writing to her best friend Isabelle, who is about to be removed from their nursing home by her daughter:

“There are very few people in the world we feel connected to. I feel connected to you.”

This unlikely note from Olive, inspires the meek Isabelle to stand up to her daughter and refuse to be taken from Olive, who she says she “will never be able to replace.”

By doing what seemed so impossible to a guarded person like Olive, set in her self-protective ways after 90-plus years on Earth, Lucy taught Olive the gift of communicating vulnerably and the doors that can open through honesty. In doing this, Olive was able to retain the presence of one of her only trusted friends to live out their twilight years together. This became a life-saving move for Olive, who, in the silence waiting for a reply, assumed Isabelle didn’t feel the same and found herself with nothing left to live for. In speaking the oh-so-vulnerable truth to her friend, Olive’s guarded assumptions were dismantled and love bloomed.

Communication, whether in these deeply personal exchanges or in our everyday interactions, builds trust and creates and reinforces bonds.

In both my personal and professional life, I’ve seen how transformative communication can be when it’s prioritized. It removes ambiguity, keeps everyone on the same page, and makes space for real understanding. In Tell Me Everything, Strout creates a beautiful metaphor for this through the communication and connection that happens between her characters.

The Downside of a Wild Imagination

When we choose not to communicate openly, we leave the door open for the imagination to take over — and our minds often wander to the worst-case scenarios, as mine did in my story with Tina and Olive’s did with Isabelle.

Choosing to over-communicate leaves less to chance, less to worry about, and far less to regret.

Seen, Supported and Empowered

In my coaching practice, unguarded and real stories are entrusted to me every day in the interest of breaking patterns, getting unstuck or promoting change. Some of the most beautiful transformations I see are when I’m coaching groups of people struggling with similar issues. The community and connection built in those sessions is transformative, and the relationships built through people who participate in groups often last a lifetime. Why? Because participants feel seen, supported, and empowered not only by me, their coach, but by their fellow group members. Every conversation is a chance to strengthen understanding and build self-awareness, and each exchange builds a foundation of trust.

By communicating well with others, we become fluent in one another’s needs and nuances, cultivating a culture of mutual respect and critical human connection.

Communicating When It’s Not Easy: Navigating Conversations with Difficult Personalities

What about communicating with people you don’t see eye to eye with? This is often challenging because it requires both time and emotional investment for what may feel like minimal return. Yet, there are people in our lives — family members, co-workers, teachers, bosses — who are important to us and who we feel it’s important to be understood by. While this can sometimes feel like a fool’s errand, it offers an opportunity to clarify boundaries, state what we know to be true based on our values, and even set a respectful agreement to disagree.

You won’t win everyone over with stellar communication, and that’s okay. If you’re like me, you may crave understanding and, perhaps, even being liked — but sometimes, a tough relationship has less to do with you and more to do with the other person’s insecurities, hardships — and in some cases life experiences that completely differ from your own. Often too, our own confidence or clarity may inadvertently make another party feel uncomfortable or insecure — this, and your commitment to communication over pretence. For many of us, another person’s discomfort is too much for us to bear, so avoiding communication with them seems easier. If this is true for you, try to divorce yourself from your own discomfort with their discomfort and stay honest and true to you.

In moments like these, it’s easy to get frustrated by the other person’s (sometimes seemingly deliberate) misunderstanding, but remember this mantra:

It’s almost always more about them than about you.

Over-communication here can serve as both a reminder of who you are and a guardrail to help you navigate interactions with grace and resilience.

When You Need a Moment: Practicing the Pause

What if you’re triggered by something someone says, and you’re not prepared to communicate effectively in that moment? In these instances, you are well within your rights to “practice your pause.” When emotions run high, it’s often wise to step back, even saying, “I need to take a break from this conversation.”

Don’t get lured into a heated exchange, especially with someone who seems more interested in arguing than reaching mutual understanding. Practicing the pause isn’t avoidance; it’s setting a boundary that allows you to regain composure and approach the conversation with clarity and calm. This pause can prevent misunderstandings and regrettable words, reinforcing that thoughtful communication includes knowing when to step away. Remember, honoring your need for space is a powerful act of self-respect and helps keep communication constructive, even during challenging moments.

Use Your Words: Communicate Freely, Communicate Often

So, the next time you’re tempted to hold back, remember this: communicating too much is impossible, but communicating too little is a mistake we all too often regret. Our words bridge the gap between our intentions and others’ perceptions. They allow us to express, empathize, and grow together rather than apart.

As we practice over-communication, we create a world where relationships are based on openness and grace, where assumptions are replaced with truth, and where our wise inner voice can finally be heard over the noise of our Inner Critic — the noise of doubt.