“She was six months pregnant when her husband died of an overdose,” my client Lisa told me about a dear friend as she lamented the guilt she felt for her own good fortune, which included a beautiful new daughter of her own, a husband she adores, and family that is close-by and supportive. “I have everything I could have imagined for myself and yet I feel afraid to celebrate it too much because— what if?”
Guilt and fear. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not feeling worthy of our own good fortune. Why is this such a common feeling for so many?
Guilt for having something others might desire. Fear of a catastrophe waiting around the corner. How does this hold us back from basking in the joy of moments of goodness? Yes, bad things happen, but fear and guilt are robbing us of the joy we deserve to experience right now.
So, how do we stay in the present? How do we stay in appreciation for everything that is good while feeling worthy of the desires we want and deserve? How do we feel worthy? How do we get our brains into the realization that, “Yes, damnit! I deserve joy. I deserve fulfillment. I deserve happiness. I am enough!” How can we hold space for that friend who is suffering AND feel joyful at the same time.
If you can relate, here are five simple steps towards banishing fear and guilt:
If you believe in a higher power— God, the Universe, Allah—thank Him/ Her/ Them/ It for all of your good fortune. It is well-documented that people who have strong feelings of appreciation and gratitude are happier and have better well-being than those who struggle with gratitude.
Wish for what you want, know that you deserve to get it, and go get it, unapologetically. The universe is rooting for you, and you have more angels on your shoulder than you know.
No more ignoring that niggling ache because you are too busy to deal. Get that massage. Make that doctor appointment. Your body does keep the score and it’s the only one you’re going to get, so take care of it, and it will take care of you.
Connect with the people who make you feel good and lift you up— people who love you want the best for you. The power of human connection on our health— physical and mental— is well-documented.
Be there for your friends when they are suffering— they’ll be there for you when you need them.
While you should absolutely celebrate your own successes, that friend who lost her husband— be there for her. Shine your own loving light on her. Her own light will appear at the end of the dark tunnel she is in, and she will be there for you when you enter your own tunnel at some point. Hold space for her sorrow while believing in her ability to overcome.
Things can suck AND also be beautiful.
Such is the dichotomy of this crazy life that we are all living. That light you are spreading will come back to you in spades when and if you every need it. The antidote to guilt and fear lives within this recipe: gratitude, big dreams, belief in the possible, connection with others and the care and keeping of YOU.
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