5 Ways to Practice “The Pause” in Parenting
During a parent coaching session this week, a mom I work with shared an anecdote about blowing up at her child who was trying to get her help with something while she was trying to complete an email.
“This is not how I want to show up for my kids,” she said after recalling the incident. Snapping at her child clashed with values she holds dear. She was keen to identify ways to avoid angry responses like these.
Sound familiar? We’ve all been there. With so many demands on our time, our kids often bear the brunt of our impatience and overwhelm. Just like we’re a safe place for them to melt down, the reverse is often just as true.
I was so grateful for this mom’s honesty and vulnerability in bringing this up to our small group. We all want to be seen as tranquil, patient parents with endless time and compassion, but the reality is that a constant chorus of “Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom” on repeat—always seemingly at a time when we’re focused on some other time- sensitive project— would make even Mother Theresa blow a gasket.
Lois almost had it!
The truth is… wait for it… we can’t control our kids’ behavior. Grrrrr. Only our own.
When we sense the guillotine coming down on our patience and that angry cloud begins to envelop our brain, it’s easy to snap. We are only human beings, after all. (Not human doings, this mom said, which I thought was brilliant.) That snap happens because our brain’s flight-or-flight center (the amygdala) takes over, leading to impulsive reactions that don’t align with our values.
Practicing the Pause
Learning to pause before reacting takes practice, but it’s a game changer. The goal is to keep the rational part of your brain (the pre-frontal cortex) online, inhibiting that pesky amygdala from kicking in and causing us to blow our tops. Here are five ways to practice “The Pause”:
1) Square Breathing: AKA box breathing, this is a simple deep-breathing technique that helps calm your body and mind. It’s easy: inhale for four counts, hold for four, exhale for four, and hold again for four. Repeat a few cycles to reduce stress and center yourself. There’s a reason Navy SEALs use this method to stay grounded under pressure.
2) Meditation or prayer: Taking a quiet moment for prayer or meditation can help you find inner strength and patience. This practice can bring a sense of peace and help you stay grounded when things feel overwhelming. If you believe in a higher power, a simple pause to ask for guidance can lead to an impactful mindset change.
3) Yoga or Chi Gong: Mindful movement, like yoga or chi gong, is a great way to reconnect with yourself and get your brain back on track. Whether it’s a few vinyasa flows or some simple sun salutations, moving your body with intention can make all the difference when you’re feeling stressed. There’s a reason these powerful movements have been around for thousands of years!
4) Mindful Walking: Connect with nature by stepping outside for a brief walk, paying attention to the sensation of each step. Focus on your breath and your surroundings. This simple practice helps you clear your mind and feel more grounded.
5) Journaling: Grab a notebook and take a few minutes to write down what’s on your mind. Don’t worry about what comes out—just let the words flow. Journaling helps you process emotions and gain clarity, which can keep you from reacting impulsively.
Practicing the Pause (sp sp another word for mindfulness) rewires your brain, allowing you to respond in line with your values instead of your emotions.
The more we engage in “The Pause,” the better equipped we are to stay calm and composed, even in the most stressful situations and parenting moments.
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